There we were 7 women sitting on the roof terrace of a London restaurant, in the glorious sunshine sipping cocktails, when the conversation drifts onto dating, as it so often does. One in the group is in a relationship, 5 want to be in a relation and one (yours truly) is happily single at this time (as mentioned in my previous blog, my man in a white coat (??!!) is coming for me in November 2021 – https://wordpress.com/post/fortyfabulousandfumbling.com/212)
The lovely lady who is in a relationship, met her man online and she deliberately sought out someone older, 60, to be precise, because she says, men our age don’t want to date women in their 40s. However she wants to marry him, and he hasn’t proposed.
“Sooooo why don’t you ask him?” I asked. “No way, I need to know that he really wants to marry me”, was her reply with others chiming in with their agreement.
How depressing? Why in 2019, would a woman be reluctant to ask her partner to marry her (he’s a 60 year old man, dating a woman in her 40s, surely the odds are squarely stacked in her favour that he will say yes). Age aside, at this mature time of life, when women are Prime Ministers, MPs, Directors, etc… should a woman, wait for a man to propose? Does it really matter who does the asking? Of course I understood where my friend was coming from, when she said she wanted assurance that her partner is keen, but if she has decided that he has the qualities that makes her want to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him, why does he have to go further to demonstrate that he is keen or more keen than her. Isn’t that her insecurity? If you want to get married, surely it doesn’t matter who does the asking. If a woman is hell bent on being asked, possibly it’s not marriage she needs but counselling.
Just propose to him already, is what i told her. What’s the worse that can happen, the outcomes are finite, he can either:
- Say Yes- Great!
- Say No – not great but you’ll live;
- Say he’ll think about – not great but you’ll live
- Say I don’t want to get married – Great! This you need to know so you can assess if he is the man for you;
- Say you are pressuring him/he feels emasculated – he’s a dick, this is good news – you need to know this before you invest any further in him.
In the 21st century when we demand equality, the very idea that a woman still holds the view that it’s a man’s place to propose is …..regressive. If my friend’s partner doesn’t propose, there’s likely to be a cloud hanging over their relationship which cannot be healthy.
I asked a male friend what he thought about a woman proposing and he was passionately of the view that he wouldn’t like it because it would make him feel under pressure. See point 5 above.
When all is said and done surely if you want something, just ask for it- life is too damn short.
Stay fabulous x